Thursday, October 20, 2011

Magazine Madness

Dear Music Magazine Which Gathers No Moss:

Stop harassing me.

Stop sending me notice after notice telling me I owe you money because here's the thing... I DON'T OWE YOU MONEY. My subscription is paid up through July 2012 and since it is only October 2011, I don't owe you money. I don't owe you money for another nine freaking months. I could have a baby before I owe you money. I'm not going to have a baby but I'm also not going to give you any money.

Not now. Not in nine months. Not ever.

So just stop. Stop with the paper blitzkrieg invading my home. It's like that scene in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone where the letters just won't stop showing up no matter what Uncle Vernon does. That particular scene wasn't available on YouTube so I went with this deleted one instead (though in real life I would have nothing to do with eggs):

Oh, and one last thing? In every single one of your letters, you state that my failure to pay what is owed (which is still NOTHING, by the way) has resulted in the suspension of my account, meaning I shall no longer receive current issues of your publication. I just thought you should know that this would make more of an impact if (A) I still gave a shit about receiving current issues of your publication (I don't. I'm over you.) and (B) if one out of every four of these notices wasn't accompanied by THE CURRENT ISSUE OF YOUR FRAKKING PUBLICATION.

So go ahead. Suspend my account. Cancel my account, even because you, my friend, have just joined an exclusive club whose only other member is a certain Railroading Enthusiast magazine.

We. Are. Done.

Yours Truly.


  1. lol, this is so true! In our case, we keep getting calls asking us to pay ahead for more magazines issues that we already have a subscription to for the next five years.

  2. I hate magazine harassment. I'm sure it works on some people.

  3. This post made me think of Gilmore girls when Lorelei breaks up with snow. Way to avoid the magazine name so they don't find your blog and contact you like the railroad folks did.

  4. Whoever keeps sending those should go to that special hell reserved for child molesters and those who talk in theaters...

  5. That is SO obnoxious!

    I get a weekly letter and an almost daily phone call from a certain satellite radio company who is insistent on trying to sign me and my car up for their service. Never mind the fact that I never even took them up on their THREE MONTHS for FREE.