Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Lawn And Neighbors


I really can't tell you how much I'm hating people right now.

Well, all right, maybe not all people. But yeah, the shit list is growing.

So, as you know, we recently put in a lawn. The ground's still soft and the grass still new so I've been a little- protective, shall we say- of the whole damn thing. My dogs aren't allowed on it yet so I certainly won't allow any other dogs on it.

Today, a couple from our neighborhood was out walking their dog. Well, they were walking and their dog was running free wherever he wanted his little legs to take him. You already know my feelings on this subject. No need to rant about it again.

But when I saw the dog standing on my new lawn, I got a little pissed. All right, so I got really pissed. When you combine that with my growing irritation with The Store and my absolute frustration with this whole frakking hiatus thing, the pissed off-ness that was me sort of manifested itself into shrieking. So I shrieked at the passers-by to get their dog the hell off my lawn.

They heard me. Of course, I think the entire neighborhood heard me. And then later, I received an angry email from my neighbor about how obnoxious it was of me to shriek at them because they weren't on my lawn. This is the second time I've done it. I should cut it out.

Dear Asshats,

I would apologize for my 'obnoxious' behavior, but let's face it, I'm not sorry. like to apologize for my grievous breach of etiquette. I wasn't shrieking at you to get off my lawn. I know you weren't on my lawn. I was shrieking at you to get your your damn dog off my lawn. There is a very distinct difference and I sincerely apologize if my shrieking didn't make that clear to you. And, also, just to make sure we understand each other, this is not the second time I've done it. It's the third.

The first time was when your dog appeared unchaperoned so far in my yard, he was practically standing on my deck and it would have been rude of me not to offer him a cool refreshing beverage. Fortunately, as you have already pointed out, I am rather boorish and not in the least bit considerate, so I instead offered you a heaping helping of get your damn dog out of my yard. Of course, I had to shout this while jumping over the back of my couch so I could convince my German Shepherd not to go through the screen doors. Also, just so you know, it took you three tries to call Rover back to you. This is not considered having your dog under vocal command.

The second time, the time of which you are unaware, I get. I think I know why you didn't hear me. That was the time when Big and I came around the corner of our garage to find Rover standing in the middle of our driveway. We did not expect to see him there as it is NOT HIS DRIVEWAY. You didn't hear the shrieking then because it was delayed because I was a little busy being dragged down the driveway by an incensed German Shepherd. You're welcome, by the way, for the me stopping him bit. You owe me band aids and Neosporin.

And, also, just so you know, I also yell when Marie's dog is in my yard. And Barney. And the other two dogs whose names I do not know. My yard is not the neighborhood dog restroom and I don't let my dogs run rampant through your yard so why do you think it's all right to let your dog do that to mine? Plus, I think the irritation I carry for all of you is justified because before I take my dogs outside, I have to walk from room to room, looking out windows to ensure that none of the neighborhood dogs are taking a respite on my lawn. The fact that I have to do that before I take my own dogs ON LEASH outside IN MY OWN YARD is frakking ridiculous.

All right, so maybe I shouldn't have shrieked but maybe you should keep your dog OFF MY FRAKKING LAWN. This is, after all, not the first time I've yelled such things out my window at you when your obnoxious little springer spaniel is taking his jaunt through my yard. And I know you know this because you brought it up in your shame on me email. One would think you might have figured it out.

One would think.

Bottom line is, if you want me to stop shrieking, keep Rover from roaming in my yard. Or else, do it when Joe's home alone. He's much nicer about these things than I am. As you can tell.

Sincerely,

The Shrieking Mad Bitch of The Mount Washington Valley

I am really so over having neighbors. I would like nothing more than to live somewhere where my nearest neighbor is at least a full mile away. Preferably five. Or ten.

Anyway, I need to go meditate or something...SERENITY NOW!!!



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