Saturday, May 1, 2010

Workout Woes

I am at odds with my Wii Fit.

Never mind the fact that the insipid piece of plastic coated machinery has the audacity to groan every time I step on it. Never mind the fact that it insults my ability to walk in a straight line (guess it is a good thing the Wii Fit has never seen me try to navigate the cobblestone streets of Portland's Old Port after a few Long Island Iced Teas...not that I have ever done that, of course...). Never mind the fact that the stupid step aerobics lady is constantly nagging me to keep up with her when I'm the one who wants to move at a faster pace.

But the day I turned on the Wii Fit and started up my routine (which always starts with the Half Moon yoga pose), and was greeted by the Wii Fit's female trainer and the words "I'll be filling in for your regular instructor today", I got a little pissed.

I mean, C'MON! What do you mean you're filling in today for my regular instructor? What, was he sick or something? Running a little late? He's a frakking computer generated fitness instructor for crying out loud. He ceases to exist the moment I turn off the program. It's not like he stands around in an actual gym just waiting for me to show up so he can give me valuable fitness tips like "don't forget to breath" (which, actually, I do sometimes forget to do, so I guess that is a valuable fitness tip) or priceless words of encouragement like "don't give up!"

But why shouldn't I give up when my oh so devoted CGI fitness instructor can't even be bothered to show up on time? I know I don't work out at the same time every day but really, dude, what else do you have to do? And, just between us, the female fitness instructor is a little scary. She has bulges in places I don't think women generally have bulges. Just saying. It's kind of distracting.

Another problem I've been having with my Wii Fit is that it makes me think I can do things it turns out I can't. Namely running.

I ran, according to my Wii Fit, two point something miles the other day while watching an episode of Alias (always a good show to work out to as Jennifer Garner will, without fail, make you feel like a slacker) so I thought I could at least make it the half mile loop of my neighborhood.

I couldn't.

Now, to be fair, I was wearing my mocs and jeans and down parka because it was really frakking cold that day (only in New England do you go from a day of sun and 70 degrees to a day of snow back to a day of sun) and that is not the best jogging ensemble ever but still, if my Wii Fit hadn't told me I'd run two point whatever miles, I never would have attempted to jog outdoors at all. Now my shin splints, particular in my left leg, are acting up again.

It also made me think I might be able to do my Tae Bo workout DVD. I bought it a while back when Tae Bo was a cool thing to do. It's a thirty minute work out and I stuck it in the machine last week when I wanted to work out but didn't have time to get out the Wii Fit (I have a tendency to get sucked into the Wii Fit workouts and the Tae Bo workout is a set thirty minutes). I thought I'd be able to make it all the way through.

I couldn't.

No, instead I made it somewhere between the fifteen and twenty minute mark before I was gasping for both breath and a pair of defibrillators. Every time Billy Blanks said, "Let's do it double time!" I was left saying, "Wait...what? I can't even do this in single time!" Then I fall over and hilarity ensues.

Maybe after the weekend I'll try again. Until then I am going to gorge myself on the delectable selection of cake like brownies and ginormous chocolate chip cookies (seriously, you will not believe how big these cookies are) that were given to me today as a gift from Max The Fully Recovered Wonder Schnauzer. I don't know where he got the idea that I could be bought off with baked goods but I'm glad he did.

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