I stopped in at my parents' house this past Friday to pay an overdue visit. I managed to catch just about everyone there, including my six year old niece, Jupiter. She was fresh out of school and bouncing off the walls so my mother suggested we play Wii. There's an island cycling game on the Wii Fit that Jupiter is particularly fond of that helps her to expend some of her energy. I've never played it but I was game and so we set the system up.
It first required me to get on the Wii fit board. If you haven't been on a Wii fit board, you have to be prepared for a smart ass piece of equipment that will mock you at every given opportunity. It continuously told me how bad my balance was. I'd like to point out that when the Wii fit board was testing my balance, I was completely unaware this test was going on. So it doesn't come as a surprise that my balance was off because all my weight had been shifted onto my left side.
Then after it mocked me about my lack of balance and gave me a lesson on BMI and calorie burning, it wanted me to set a goal. My only goal was to get to the island cycling game but that didn't seem to be an option. So I set a goal to gain one tenth of a pound in two weeks.
"I'll just eat a dozen donuts before I get on this thing again," I said. "That should cover it, right?"
"Then it'll mock you for being obese," my sister, B, told me.
And it would. I believe that.
Next I had to choose my personal trainer. There was a choice between a man and a woman.
"Gee, I wonder which you'll pick," my mother said.
"I don't know," I said. To the Wii, I said, "Excuse me, sir, would you mind removing your shirt?"
It was possible I'd forgotten about the presence of the six year old. Even though she was standing right beside me at the time.
I got the "Oh, nice" look from both B and my mother.
"Yeah," Jupiter said. "He can take off his shirt. And his pants."
Just when I was thinking "Oh, damn", Jupiter continued.
"And his underwear," she said.
It's possible I got another "Oh nice" look then. Although "nice" might not have been the exact thought.
"No," I said then. "Not his underwear. Just his shirt."
Couldn't take that part back, after all.
"And his pants," Jupiter said.
"No," I said. "I don't think so."
Anyway, we finally got to the games. I did my island cycling and accidentally ran over a wii dog in the process. The dog recovering completely and quickly and spent the rest of the game chasing me. I kind of felt like a fool the whole time. There's a reason I don't go to the gym. You know, apart from laziness. That reason is feeling like everyone is staring at me while I run in place. It's a very disconcerting feeling.
After island cycling, we played some of the other games. One of them was some kind of bubble game. Your Mii character is in a bubble floating down a river. You're supposed to lean forward, left and right and whatnot to move yourself safely along the path. If you get too close to the edge, you run into a rock and pop your bubble and then the game is over. On my first attempt, I popped the bubble right away. I was much more successful on my second attempt but when my run did come to an end, I said, "Oh shit."
Yes. It's possible I once again forgot about the presence of a six year old.
Then, when I remembered the presence of a six year old, I said, "Damn."
This was followed by "Crap."
This earned me another "Oh nice" look.
So, a special apology to my sister: If your daughter exhibited some...uh, colorful language over the weekend, my bad. Though, in my defense, our father and her grandfather is a sailor so I think a certain way with four letter words is genetic and is possibly not all my fault.
A little later on while I was playing another Wii fit game (hula hoop, maybe? Ski jumping? I think it was ski jumping...at which, by the way, I was a complete and utter failure.), Jupiter got a little fresh. She didn't drop any four letter bombs but had a nice string of bathroom talk going on so my mother informed her that if she didn't stop using bad words she was going to have to leave the room.
"Does this mean I have to leave the room then?" I asked.
"No, but I have a bar of soap upstairs you can use," my mother said.
"Hey," I said. "If I had been at home, I probably would've used a different word."
I suspect this didn't help my case. Needless to say, I kept it clean for the rest of the afternoon.
So did Jupiter.