|The Conway Scenic Railroad|
If you're not familiar with my history with Railroading Enthusiast magazine*, here's a brief recap: They've been stalking me since 2009.
Apparently, they really want me to love trains. And no matter how many times I request it, and how many times they claim they've done it, they just won't take me off their mailing list. They're like some kind of maniacal Avon lady determined to make quota.
And I can't scare them off with my abnormally large German shepherd.
Yesterday marked the beginning of the latest "You've Got To Be Kidding Me!" mail cycle. So in honor of this event, I am re-posting the following letter (first posted in 2009):
Dear Railroading Enthusiast Magazine**,
Please, please, PLEASE, stop sending me renewal notices telling me that my subscription is in danger of running out. I do not care if my subscription is in danger of running out. Mostly because I DO NOT HAVE—nor never have had—a subscription to your magazine. This, I realize, has not seemed to discourage you from sending me your magazine on a regular basis.
I thought this would have been taken care of last November when I first received a subscription renewal notice. The November issue would be my last, you threatened, if I did not send in payment. I did not send in payment and yet—and yet!—another issue appeared in my mail the following month. And the month after that and the month after that.
I do not want your magazine. No offense. I think trains are nice. I think trains are swell. I wave to the weirdos on the Conway Scenic Railroad when they wave to me and I'm stuck waiting for them to pass. I even took a train to New York City once. It was fun.
But I am not a railroading enthusiast so I do not want your magazine. To answer the questions in your leaflet, I do not savor the glory days of steam railroading. I am not a die-hard fan of early diesels (but I am a fan of Die Hard). I am not interested in reading thrilling tales from real railroaders. Nor am I interested in the exciting pamphlet concerning great train stations.
Also, I do not want the special commemorative coin commemorating your magazine. Nor do I want the classic trains DVD series or the special commemorative coin commemorating the classic trains DVD series. I do not want the classic model trains magazine nor the classic model trains catalog. And if there's a special coin commemorating either the model trains or the catalog, I don't want that either.
I'm sure somewhere out there is a railroading enthusiast who would be genuinely enthusiastic about all of these things. It's just not me. It never has been me and never will be me.
So please stop the insanity. You're getting to be as bad as another magazine that shall remain nameless. They awarded me with a one year subscription back in 1994 that didn't run out for ten years. I do not want your magazine for the next ten years. I don't even want it for the next ten months or weeks or days. One issue was a fluke, the second was funny and now you're just stalking me.
Please stop it.
*— Not its real name.
**— Still not its real name. And, as far as I know, not the name of any magazine anywhere. But if there is a Railroading Enthusiast magazine out there and someone from that magazine is now reading this post and scratching your head wondering what the hell is going on, rest assured that I'm not talking about you. But please don't take that as an invitation to start sending me stuff, 'kay?