Friday, November 30, 2012

Scenes From The Store

I HAVE A DAY OFF!!!  I HAVE A DAY OFF!!!  It feels like forever since I was able to say that and I'm so gleeful I hardly know what to do first: dishes, laundry, or watch The Avengers.  Again.

But before I do any of that (and let's face it, The Avengers is totally going to win.  Again.) I thought I would share with you some of the soundbites from this latest stretch of work, starting with Black Friday and ending with yesterday.  It mostly features me being a brat but that can't possibly surprise anyone anymore.  Tragically, however, I seem to have lost my Black Friday haiku list.  And they were good too.

One important thing to know is that The Store was running a "everything in the store is 30% off" sale and had big giant signs hanging up all over reiterating this fact.  And yet it still led to this...

Customer: Is this shirt part of the sale?
Me:  Yes.  Everything's on sale.

Customer:  Are those jackets part of the sale?
Me:  Yes.  Everything's part of the sale.

Customer: Is this pair of socks part of the sale?
Me:  No.  You found the one thing that isn't a part of the 'everything's on sale' sale.
Customer:  Really?
Me:  No.

Customer: So is the 40% off the price?
Me:  No, it's off the sleeves.
Customer:  What?
Me:  Yes, it's off the price.

#1 Boss:  MJ, will you help me write an announcement for the PA?
Me:  Go away.
#1 Boss:  Something nicer.
Me:  Please go away.
#1 Boss:  Never mind.

#3 Boss: Are you here?
Me:  No, it's an illusion.
#3 Boss: Huh?

#3 Boss: (looking at some fallen product) What happened here?
Me:  Gravity.
#3 Boss:  Well, thanks, Isaac Newton.
Me:  That's Sir Isaac Newton to you.

New Guy:  What are you doing?
Me:  Looking for something.
NG:  What do you mean?
Me:  Well, I don't know what it means where you come from but where I come from, it means I'm looking for something.
NG:  Oh.  Need any help?
Me:  No.

Me:  Can I be fired?
#2 Boss:  Why? What did you do now?

And, last but not least, these haiku:

Everything's on sale
So you don't have to ask if
that shirt is on sale.

It took five minutes
for New Boss to annoy me
must be a record 

I don't know who is
screwing with my stockroom shelves
but they will be stopped

Don't answer the phone
with a mouthful of candy
it doesn't end well

Watching a man twirl
batons in the parking lot
can he juggle geese?

I'm headed home now
please don't call me tomorrow
I won't take your call


  1. I so admire your snark!!
    Now go enjoy your day off.

  2. Thanks for the laugh.

    I think customers just need to verify, or something. I guess that happens in any line of work, though.

    It's like when I was stuck on phones on a holiday, and I would answer with the store name and "we close at X o'clock today". I would still get, "What time do you close?"

    1. I had someone call and ask if we were going to be well stocked for Black Friday. I was like, "I know it's the biggest shopping day of the year, but we'll only have three tee shirts. So if you want one, you should get here early."

  3. Ha! You are too funny. But I do fear for your employment status some days. :D

    1. #1 Boss has said she will not fire me, no matter how bratty I may act. I have, of course, taken this as a challenge. Which is, I'm sure, exactly how she hoped I'd take it.

  4. lol! I want to come to your store and ask you what's on sale. I bet I would love your answer ;)

    1. Nothing. Absolutely nothing is on sale. Ever... =)

  5. LOL. I had the day off yesterday and spent it cleaning the house. Go figure! (Did manage to watch While You Were Sleeping though - my fav Xmas movie.

    Enjoy your day off.

  6. You know, it's too bad that companies don't use their employees full range of talents. They'd do much better if they would invest in your snark.
    Unless, of course, it attacked and ate them.

    Man! Now I want to go find a geese juggler! That sounds awesome!

  7. That was hilarious! I hope you thoroughly enjoy your day off.

  8. Maybe they don't know the meaning of the word everything. It's a very tricky word.

    Have a fun day off. You've obviously earned it.

  9. Enjoy the Avengers, loved that movie.
    and "That's Sir Isaac Newton to you." BAAAHAHAHAH.
    Thanks for the soundbites, enjoy your day off. (:

  10. I feel your pain about retail. I was a retail slave for 6 years and refuse to return! I wish that my managers would have understood the snark better, since I quit over a customer complaint about it!

    But anyway, keep the snark up and screw the bratty customers! (and co-workers!)

  11. *Snicker* Is this on sale?

    The Avengers should win. It would be winning on me a lot if I owned it. I hope you have a nice day off!

  12. The gravity one made me laugh loudest. But I'd love to hear a store announcement one day just saying 'Go away, please go away' to see how many people would! Hope you had a good Avengers day!

  13. I went to Jupiter's parent teacher conference and was informed that Jupiter has a sense of humor tending towards the sarcastic which she sees most often in her writing.....wonder where she gets that from?

  14. Woohoo about the day off!

    And those are hilarious! People don't read signs. Seriously.

  15. I worked part time retail before I had my children, years ago. The customers seem the same today as then.

  16. There's no quicker way to discover the moron-ity of people than working in retail.
    When I was in college, I worked in retail at a national park. It was no surprise that the tourists were called "tourons" by the staff.

  17. I always enjoy your work haiku. They are exemplary, as usual!

  18. I love your sense of humor. You say all the things I wish I could.