So today's the big day.
It's Inventory Day.
Yeah, I know you thought I'd say Superbowl Sunday what with it being Superbowl Sunday featuring my beloved Patriots but the America hating communists in The Store's corporate office decided to make it Inventory Sunday.
I hemmed and hawed about quitting and obviously came down on on the not quitting side because I just couldn't bring myself to do it because it felt like a jerk thing to do and, for some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to be that kind of a jerk. Pretty surprising, I know, when you consider what kind of a jerk I am normally, but stranger things have happened, I suppose.
Anyway, when the Pats take the field today and the big game begins, I'll be at The Store counting socks and ice scraper mitts and tee shirts and belts and everything else in that godforsaken place. If you've never partaken in a retail inventory, here's a list of what is necessary in order to come out on the other side:
1. An ability to count quickly and accurately. In the event that only one of these qualities is available, the ability to count accurately is preferred. Ironically, these qualities are oftentimes absent from the so called "inventory specialists" The Store hires to execute our inventory. It makes for a truly
aggravating special experience.
2. A sense of humor. Because someone will invariably start shouting out random numbers at you while you're counting a massive stack of tee shirts. A sense of humor will be instrumental in NOT killing this person.
3. A sense of patience. Did you read number one? Seriously, some of these people can only accurately count the minutes between their cigarette breaks. I really don't like smokers who think their nicotine addiction entitles them to additional time off. I'm addicted to chocolate and yet I don't get frequent chocolate breaks, do I?
4. A high tolerance for B.O. Because, yeah, counting isn't the only challenge for the so called "inventory specialists." Apparently, personal hygiene is also a stumper. Bring your nose plugs, kids!
5. Snacks. You're going to be stuck in that store for a very long time and though the store manager says she'll order pizza, there's a good chance she'll either forget or forget that you happen to be a vegetarian who would not be interested in a twelve meat pizza. Plus, if you bring snacks, you don't have that embarrassing moment when you get all excited to find a stale granola bar in the back of your locker. Or so I've heard. Because I've never done that.
6. A fifth of whiskey, scotch, vodka or your liquor of choice. Turn the night into a drinking game! Whenever a so called "inventory specialist" calls for a sku check, do a shot. Whenever a so called "inventory specialist" miscounts a shelf, do a shot. Whenever a so called "inventory specialist" needs a cigarette break, do a shot. Whenever the Store Manager and the Assistant Manager start fighting with each other, do a shot (actually...better not do that one. It'll lead to alcohol poisoning. All they do is fight.).
7. A ride home. Drinking games should always be played responsibly, my friends. In the event of a truly disastrous crew of so called "inventory specialists", do not pass go. Do not collect $200...proceed immediately to the nearest emergency room.
All right, that's the list you need to survive a normal store inventory. The next list is comprised of the items you'll need to survive an inventory held on Superbowl Sunday when your beloved Patriots are set to take the field. Not that you're at all pissed off over having to work because you're not that petty a person.
1. A DVR. Recording the game for later viewing is a MUST.
2. The Sensory Deprivator 5000. This is a reference to the legendary sitcom "How I Met Your Mother"'s episode "Monday Night Football" in which the main characters are unable to watch the Superbowl live and make a pact not to find out the score of the game so they can watch it the following day. Hilarity ensues. Ted wears specially designed glasses to prevent him from seeing/hearing anything as he makes a trip to the sports bar to pick up the food for the big game. These glasses (seen on the right, or maybe above...) are the Sensory Deprivator 5000. They are a MUST for a superbowl inventory because your stupid boss thinks that putting the game on a static-y radio so you can listen to it in the comfort of a store that smells like unwashed nicotine addicted so called "inventory specialists" is equivalent to watching it at home in the comfort of your living room surrounded by pizza and beer and your digital flat screen television. Note to management: It isn't.
3. A sign pinned to your chest proclaiming "I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THE SCORE. DO NOT TELL ME THE SCORE. I HAVE A BOX CUTTER AND I WILL USE IT ON YOU SHOULD YOU TELL ME THE SCORE OR REACT TO THE GAME IN ANY WAY ANYWHERE IN MY VIEWING OR HEARING RADIUS. AND, JUST SO YOU KNOW, I HAVE REALLY GOOD HEARING. SO BACK OFF."
4. Your lucky Patriots tee shirt. They haven't lost a game when you've been wearing that shirt so if anyone thinks you won't be wearing it on Superbowl Sunday, they're out of their freaking minds. So what if the tee shirt is a blatant violation of The Store's dress code? What are they going to do? Fire you? We should be so lucky.
5. A new job. One that doesn't require you to work high holidays like Superbowl Sunday.
Now one last thing before I go to work...