Monday, September 26, 2011

Wild Weekend

Who wants to hear about my weekend?

Well, I hope you do because that's what I'm blogging about today. The Man and I were on the road this weekend as The Heather was tying the knot and for some unknown reason, she asked me to serve as her maid of honor. I'm not an incredibly useful maid of honor but I suppose I am occasionally good for a laugh. The following retelling of my weekend will likely prove that. Oh, and don't worry. The wedding went off without a hitch. This is all about the keystone kop-ness that is me.

There are two sides to this story. 1) What was supposed to happen and 2) what actually did happen.

What was supposed to happen Friday:

6am-9am: Get out of bed, take care of animals and finish packing before leaving to take the dogs to the kennel.

10:15am: Arrive at kennel, check dogs in

10:30am: Leave kennel and head a couple of towns over to pick up the wedding cake. Yes, that's right. I was trusted with the wedding cake.

11:00am: Arrive at cake place.

11:30am: Arrive home. Repack car with wedding stuff. Do dishes and other last minute housekeeping stuff (this will come as a surprise but I hate leaving the house messy).

12:30pm: Leave for rehearsal

2:00pm: Arrive at rehearsal. And then rehearse. To be followed by dinner with the bride and groom and then a good night's sleep.

What Actually Happened Friday:

7:00am: Oh shit. I was supposed to be up an hour ago. Guess that wasn't the snooze button after all.

9:30am: Oh shit. I was supposed to be in the car with the dogs a half hour ago. Guess I'll finish packing when I get back.

10:45am: I arrive at the kennel. The Gator Girl promptly has massive anxiety attack that results in trembling so bad, it probably registered on a richter scale somewhere. Once I convince her to actually get out of the car, she wraps herself around me so hard and fast that she knocks my glasses right off my head. I don't notice.

11:15am: I leave the kennel. The Gator Girl is fine.

11:18am: Oh shit. Didn't I have my glasses on when I arrived at the kennel? Where did I leave those?

11:20am: Return to kennel. Glasses are nowhere to be found. This is a slight problem as technically I am not supposed to drive without them. I'd like to note that I strictly follow this rule at night. Or in inclement weather.

11:21am: Oh look. There they are. In the parking lot where I backed over them with my frakking car. They are now comically flat. If there's a near sighted stick figure in need of glasses, have I got a deal for him.

11:22am: I leave the kennel. There's a wedding cake still in need of picking up.

12:00pm: Arrive at cake place. Try not to seem rude as I grab the cake, safely store it and leave like a bat outta hell.

12:10pm: my iPod crashes. But of course it does. This pisses me off because I really like having my iPod for longer driving trips.

12:40pm: Return home. Finish packing suitcase in record time. Leave flattened glasses and iPod paperweight behind. Repack car, throw The Man in the driver's seat and leave like a bat outta hell.

12:50pm: Oh shit. We need gas.

2:40pm: We make it to the wedding site. Can't rehearse properly because we don't have the proper music. As we're also in need of other things, we leave the wedding site with The Heather to go out and procure these other things. But first, I get the cake out of my car before something happens to it.

3:40pm: Oh hey look. It's our hotel. We check in and I leave The Man there to entertain himself.

4:30pm: Return to wedding site and rehearse. Go to dinner.

11:00pm: Go to bed.

What was supposed to happen Friday night:

11:oopm-7:ooam: A good night's sleep.

What actually happened Friday night:

11:00pm: While trying to find my way from the bathroom to the bed in the dark, I manage to run into a wall and smash my face on the corner. My first thought after an extreme string of not-nice words is, "Gee, I hope the bruises match my dress!"

12:ooam: I am still awake. The hotel pillows suck.

12:30am: Still awake. My brain is running through the entire Black Keys song book.

1:00am: This is not funny.

1:30am: The last time I remember looking at the clock before...

2:30am: The hotel's fire alarm goes off, waking up both me and The Man. The Man's first sentence: "What is that?" My first sentence: "Are you kidding me? I just fell asleep!" But as there is smoke in the hallway, we evacuate. I prove that I am a writer first and foremost when I grab my notebook before shoes and a pair of pants. Other guests prove they're idiots when they lean out the window of their third story room and yell down to us, "What's going on?" I resist the urge to yell back, "We're having a party in the parking lot. At 2:30 in the morning. In the rain." Instead I explain about the smoke. The guy's response (word for word...not making this up) is "There's smoke? Grab the baby and let's go!" Jackwagon.

3:00am: After three fire trucks, two cop cars and one critical response unit show up, it is determined we can all return to our rooms. The lobby is still filled with smoke but not as badly as the room in which the hotel serves breakfast.

3:15am: The Man falls back to sleep. I don't.

4:00am: Still going. Repeating the Black Keys song book.

5:00am: This sucks.

6:00am: The last time I remember looking at the clock before...

7:00am: The alarm goes off.

What was supposed to happen Saturday:

7:ooam-11:00am: Wedding prep and travel to wedding site

The wedding and reception

What actually happened Saturday:

7:30am: I check the weather. The chance of rain has shrunk from 70% to 10%. There is much rejoicing. I roll out of bed and stumble to the bathroom to check the status of my head. My right eye is a little sore and puffy but the bruise hasn't shown up yet. Yipee!

8:30am: I go to breakfast in my pajamas. I get a lot of looks. I think about throwing my pancakes at them but I decide not to waste perfectly good pancakes.

9:00am: I discover we're out of tissues. I go to the front desk to get more because there's a bride on her way. Chances are we're going to need tissues. The front desk clerk is entirely too perky. But she gives me two boxes of tissues so I let the perkiness thing slide.

9:30am: The bride and her friend/hair dresser/make up artist/florist/photographer (AKA The Amazing Deb) arrive at the hotel to get ready as the groom and the best man are using The Heather's apartment. I'm still in my pajamas. At least The Man is dressed. He goes out to wait in the lobby.

10:30am: I put on my dress to discover I don't have quite enough up top to fill out the dress. Good thing I got that extra box of tissues.

10:45am: We're headed out. I put on the shoes I found in the very back of my closet.

10:48am: Walking out to the cars, I remember why those shoes were in the very back of my closet.

11:15am: We arrive at the wedding site. As I carry things from the car to the house, I chant "wrong shoes, wrong shoes." I already need band aids for my blisters. I only have one band aid in the bottom of my bag so I use it to cover the worse of the two blisters.

11:30am: The wedding!

12:30pm: The ceremony's over, the pictures are done and I am able to limp over to the car to find my far less stylish but far more comfortable sandals.

12:30pm-3pm: Wow. We've finally gotten back on track. It was bound to happen some time, right?

Congratulations to The Heather and The Husband (dear The Husband: if you're not crazy about your My Pet Blog nickname, we are open to suggestions...). May you have a long and happy life together...


  1. Well, at least the day went well for the couple...

  2. LMAO!!! I HATE those Murphy's Lsw weekends. I feel your pain...Congrats to Heather. I wish her and the new hubby every happiness.

    Hope you have relaxing week. After a weekend like that, you deserve it. :)

  3. Too much fun like that will kill you.

    Jackwagon has been my go to phrase for a couple months now. It covers most occasions quite nicely. As you illustrated so well above.

    Glad the wedding was a success for Heather and The Husband.

  4. LOL!Sounds similar to my last Tuesday but no one was getting married. Hopefully the planets will be lined up over us a little more nicely in the weeks to come.

  5. The worst thing about these kinds of bad dominoes is that you can't focus on anything else while it happens, just what worse thing is in store.

    But congrats to The Heather. And I think the proper phrase is "Keystone Kop-ity," which you seem to be full of.

  6. Wowza, that's a hell of a trip! On the plus side, it made for a damn interesting story to tell :)

  7. Oh, wow. What a CRAZY weekend! But the wedding seemed to go well, at least! Hope your catching up on sleep.

  8. Things rarely go entirely by plan. This was quite a read.

  9. I've slept in before when I was supposed to take the dog to the kennel. Always happens when you are SUPPOSED to do something. Can never sleep in any of the other days!

  10. Wow. Sounds like a good place to start a story, lol.

  11. You know what they say about making plans. At least it all turned out in the end.

  12. Shame! I hope you got to sleep in the car on the way home. :-)

  13. Hahaha! Well, I'm glad the wedding went off without a hitch.

    And I love the way you wrote this post. What was supposed to happen/what DID happen. Awesome!

    Sorry about the fire alarm. That just plain sucks!