Friday, February 18, 2011

Mega Cat Versus Gator Girl

Disclaimer: I love my pets. I feel the need to start off this post by saying that because what I'm going to write after this disclaimer might lead people to think otherwise. But I do love my pets. Otherwise there would be no reason to not drop kick them into a snowbank. You'll see what I mean.

Good afternoon and welcome, all of you, to the Mount Washington Valley Battle Royale where two seemingly normal household pets (well, normal to anyone who hasn't actually met them) will enter to fight it out for household supremacy and the bragging rights to being the biggest pain in my ass.

Let's meet our contenders:

IN THIS CORNER, we have MEGA CAT, the cat previously known as Fat. She's a ten year old alley cat weighing in at 13 pounds. Her hobbies include sleeping, eating, biting veterinary staff and terrorizing house guests with her ear splitting never ending meows and her Touch Me And Die attitude. (Somewhere in the world, my former co-worker and still good friend Cindy is having a good laugh over having dodged that bullet.) Please welcome MEGA CAT.

AND IN THIS CORNER, we have the Gator Girl, a five year old sixty pound Belgian Malinois (not a German Shepherd). Her hobbies include running, jumping, leaping, devising ways to steal cookies out of locked cupboards (I am not even kidding a little), dominating a German Shepherd more than twice her size and running. She's the alternative energy solution to which we have all been looking, she's the GATOR GIRL.

Let's see what our contenders have been up to this week, shall we?

MEGA CAT has been busy extracting vengeance for her Wednesday trip to the vet's. Apparently, she overheard me making her appointment on Monday because Tuesday morning, I entered my office, my sacred writing space, to find that not only had she scattered all my carefully organized notes on the floor, but that she had also pissed all over the dog bed. While I was cleaning that up, she was in the bathroom, shredding a roll of toilet paper, dumping out the trash can and taking a dump in my bathtub. While I was cleaning that up, she was in the kitchen, dumping out her water dish and then vomiting on my dining room table. Twice. And then she wondered why I didn't react well to her trying to get in my lap to cuddle that evening (Move on, MEGA CAT. Or out, even.). Wednesday, she terrorized the vet and the vet tech and then bit me that night when I had the audacity to lift her off the mantle upon which she was trying to place her fat ass. It can't support your weight, MEGA CAT. Nothing can. This morning, she mistook (Ha! Mistook, my ass!) the newly cleaned dog bed for her litter box before she sat on the counter meowing and systematically knocking things off it into the dog's water dish below because I hadn't yet gotten her breakfast.


Wow. That is quite a list of transgressions for a three day time span. I don't know if the Gator Girl is up for this challenge. Wait a minute. What am I talking about? This is the Gator Girl. You'll find that with the exception of sitting still, there is no challenge she's not prepared to face.

The GATOR GIRL got her week off to a strong start when she jumped up on the dining room table to polish off the dish of cat food left there for the ailing Sick Cat (the cat formerly known as Vader). This was followed by a sneak attack on the kitchen trash because she saw me put some spoiled corn bread in there earlier. While I was in the shower, she mounted an assault on the litter box which involved the defeat of the considerable anti-Gator Girl security system surrounding the litter box. And because she hadn't yet been disgusting enough, she later broke into the kitchen trash yet again, this time to go after the nice fresh Mega Cat vomit. She chased Sick Cat around mercilessly (you want to chase a cat, Gator Girl? Go after Mega Cat. Please, go after Mega Cat) and made Big cry (Although, to be fair, some days it doesn't take much to make Big cry.). She got into the hamper so she could chew up some socks and underwear (would it have killed you to start a load while you were at it, Gator Girl?) and followed it by vomiting. A lot. (Gee, I'm not sure why she'd feel the urge to purge.) While I was cleaning that up, she worked her way past the intricate child locks on the cookie cupboard doors so she could load up again, this time at least on dog cookies. Of course they were fruit cookies which then led to diarrhea.


So now you're up to date. Today's round of MEGA CAT Vs. GATOR GIRL has gotten much more personal. They haven't been able to leave each other alone all day. But you know what? So long as they're leaving Big, Sick Cat and me alone, I don't think I care.

Two pets pet leaves.

Who will it be?


  1. Dibs on the cat, lol! Nice to meet you Crusader and fellow Granite Stater ;)

  2. I say the cat will win. Cats always beat dogs!

  3. The cat will win, but maybe it be better if they both lost?

  4. I'm so sorry that happened to you, but I must say, that is the funniest thing I've read all week!

  5. Hiya, buddy crusader! I'm making the rounds today and checking out your blog. Nice to meet you, and Happy Friday! :)

    Artzicarol Ramblings

  6. Hey fellow crusader! Gator Girl is my kind of dog. We have a half chow-half Akita. Anyway, I'll follow you and I will stop by again sometime ...

  7. OMG! They'd be living outside! Not using the cat box EVERY time is a deal breaker for me. I feel terrible for you...all the vomit and poop...ew.

    I LOVE my pets (2 dogs and one cat...and a kid and husband), but all that not-going-potty-in-the designated-area stuff...hell no.

    You have my sympathies. *hugs*