Thursday, February 24, 2011

Leave It To Bieber

Today was the day I escorted my young niece, Jupiter, to the Justin Bieber 3-D movie extravaganza. The day she tapped me to take her, she'd already gone through her grandmother and her other aunt and gotten a big Hell No (but probably not in those exact terms) from each of them so she came cozy-ing up to me instead.

Turns out that I am a sucker where my niece is concerned. And so my trip to the Justin Bieber movie became a reality.

Before this, everything I knew about Justin Bieber I learned from that one episode of Glee and that Superbowl commercial he did with Ozzy. "What's a Bieber?"

That's just what I was about to find out.

I arrived at my mother's house around 11:30am, about an hour later than I had originally planned. Apparently, I lack the technical know how to turn on the alarm clock on my smarter-than-me phone. That, or my subconscious was trying to tell me something. Here's how the afternoon went (Please note, all times are approximate):

12:00pm: Me: Let's get ready to go, okay? Jupiter: Okay. Oh, we're going to the store afterward so bring lots of money. Me: Uh...okay?

: Lunch at the Golden Arches (her choice). We see her classmate, Corey. Corey causes Jupiter to smile shyly and shrug a little. Me thinks Corey is a special friend but Jupiter does not give up any details.

12:40pm: We head out to the movie theater. We listen to Johnny Cash on the way. Jupiter informs me that Johnny Cash is boring.

Jupiter informs me that the soundtrack to Buffy The Vampire Slayer is boring.

I may have accidentally played a song that may have accidentally had some not nice words in the chorus. But you can't prove it. Unless Jupiter starts to recite it. In which case, I am deeply sorry but we were deep in conversation about Justin Bieber. Apparently, he's recently gotten his hair cut.

Ani DiFranco (profanity free Ani, don't worry, mom...) is also boring. Fortunately, we have arrived at the craft store and can no longer discuss how boring all my music is.

After I decline to buy Jupiter some nice permanent markers, she declares the craft store to be boring. Fortunately, it's time to go to the movies. We take our purchases (including junior mints to sneak inside the theater) and go.

On our way into the theater, Jupiter tells me that Corey is her personal boyfriend. Since I am unfamiliar with the term 'personal boyfriend', I steel myself to ask. A personal boyfriend is a boyfriend about which other people do not know. I wonder if Corey is included in this group. Wait...since a personal boyfriend is a secret boyfriend, it's possible I wasn't supposed to blog about that.

We get to the ticket counter where we are met by an impressively and irritatingly perky theater employee. I don't think I've ever been that happy to be anywhere I worked. She gives me our 3-D glasses and tickets and wishes us a good day with such enthusiasm that I have to take a step back, lest any of it get on me.

After a visit to the concession stand (where Jupiter very nearly announces the presence of the super secret stash of candy in my bag) and the bathroom, we enter the theater. It's huge. And mostly empty. There are four other people.

: Jupiter says she'd like to sit in the very front. I nix that idea so she decides she'd like to sit in the corner of the very back row. This I agree to. All the better for no one to see me here.

Jupiter amuses herself by exploring the mostly empty theater. Over and over again. I amuse myself by writing notes in my handy dandy notebook.

: Jupiter's still climbing up and down the stairs. I'm looking at the time and thinking, "Wasn't this thing supposed to have started already? Great, let's prolong this experience."

The movie starts. Or rather the trailers and commercials begin.

2:40pm: The movie actually begins. It's called "Never Say Never" which makes me think of a James Bond movie. Too bad I will not be watching a shirtless Daniel Craig beat the living crap out of random bad guys. Instead I'll be watching some prepubescent pip squeak who needs a hair cut (Oh wait....). Win some, lose some.

Justin Bieber's Canadian? They did not cover that on Glee. He is also left handed.

2:45pm: They show baby pictures. Jupiter asks me who the baby is.

Girls scream. One tells the cameras how she tweeted Justin 100 times. In the same day.

2:52pm: Justin Bieber rides a segway.

2:55pm: Justin Bieber blow dries his hair. Wow. Such riveting footage.

2:58pm: We meet the stylist who came up with the purple hoodie.

3:00pm: Justin dances. Amazing how much it looks like skipping. Of course, I shouldn't judge. When I dance, it's amazing how much it looks like falling.

3:10pm: Justin tells his vocal coach that he needs a razor. The vocal coach responds, "A razor? Really?" I laugh. I receive dirty looks from the teenage girls sitting next to us.

3:15pm: Justin sings some song about smiling. The 3-D effects make it looks like he's pointing right at me. I am thrilled.

3:18pm: Justin's grandparents tell him he can't go out to play with his friends until he cleans his room. I laugh again. Jupiter says, "that's just like me."

The stage manager picks Justin up and pretends to throw him over the side of some scaffolding. Tease.

3:33pm: An entire montage revolving around Justin's hair. Set to "At Last" by Etta James. Really?

Justin eats donuts out of the trash. I'm not kidding.

3:36pm: More footage of more girls screaming and crying and trying to get through security to get on stage. Jupiter asks me, "What's wrong with those girls?" My response, "That's an excellent question."

3:40pm: Jupiter notes that Justin Bieber likes the New York Yankees. She knows this because it's on his hat. I've noticed this too. I think he's just trying to suck up to New York. No one really likes the Yankees, right?

3:47pm: Justin sings a song while sitting in a big metal heart dangling over the audience. I bet security loves this part of the show.

3:50pm: Justin sings a song with Miley Cyrus. They are cozy enough to spur Jupiter to ask me if they are boyfriend and girlfriend. I shudder to think.

3:55pm: This movie will end eventually, won't it? I mean, the kid's only sixteen years old. How long can this movie last?

3:58pm: More footage of more girls screaming and crying. Jupiter correctly notes that one of them is wearing the exact same skirt she's wearing.

3:59pm: One of the girls is drinking the same brand of water Jupiter is drinking.

4:00pm: Jaden Smith puts in an appearance. That kid is really frakking adorable.

4:03pm: They feature this "one less lonely girl" thing where a lucky member of the audience is brought up on stage. She sits on a stool and is given flowers and sits there while Justin serenades her. She then sobs uncontrollably afterward.

4:05pm: The big show in New York City. Lots of 3-D effects. It's like Justin's skipping dancing in our laps. Please stop.

4:10pm: More baby pictures? Really? C'mon, already. Jupiter is enthralled.

4:13pm: More singing and skipping dancing. I swear we've already heard this song. Of course, they all kind of sound the same to me.

4:15pm: I think I am going to die in this theater.

: Or maybe I've fallen into some kind of parallel universe/hell where I'll be watching this movie forever and ever.

4:21pm: Justin's team waxes philosophical on how Justin's here to stay. He won't go away. I really believe that.

4:25pm: The end! It's really the end! And what's even better, Jupiter announces that we can leave. As in before the credits have finished. Oh happy day!

4:30pm: On the way to the car, I ask Jupiter what her favorite part of the movie was. She answers, "every part!" When she asks me the same question, I respond, "the end credits."

4:31pm: We get in the car. I resist the urge to blast Guns N' Roses. Welcome to the jungle, Justin Bieber.


  1. Laughing so hard at the idea of the Bieber movie being your "No Exit.". Outstanding.

  2. Oh what a HORRIBLE experience. I love my nieces but no way in HELL would I agree to go to a bieber concert.

  3. I'm at the lucky point where all my cousins (no nieces for me) are either boys, too young or too old to have Bieber Fever. I'm even more thankful after reading this!

  4. That is great! Too bad it wasn't a Bond film instead.

  5. On the bright side, you must have earned a whole bunch of credits toward Purgatory time.

  6. LOL! I have heard it is not a good film, I'm so glad neither of my girls are into him LOL, though my oldest is very much into Micheal Jackson, and my youngest is all about P!nk LOL they are a bit better I guess singing and dancing wise.

  7. This is hilarious! Way to suffer on behalf of your niece. I tortured my parents with NSync and Backstreet Boys =)

  8. I love the name Jupiter, it's beautiful. However, you are an angel for taking her. I know it was all you could do to make it through...but you are an angel none the less. I don't know if I could have done it. Bless you.

  9. I love the name Jupiter. I love this post. I spit up my Coke when you noted that your dancing looks like falling. Hello, my name is Kari and I can't dance (or walk) without falling. I'm pleased to meet you.