Sunday, February 13, 2011

Fitness Follies


I worked out this morning.

(pause for laughter)

I started off with my Tae Bo DVD. I was only a few minutes into it when Billy Blanks started yelling at me to get my shoulders down, point my toes and show him some energy. It made me wonder how he knew that my shoulders were, in fact, up around my ears, my toes were unpointed and I was definitely lacking in the energy department. Maybe it was just a lucky guess on his part but whatever it was, it was creepy.

I pressed on, laughing out loud when Billy suggested we perform particular exercises, double time. Then, around the fifteen minute (out of thirty) mark, I developed an unforseen complication.

The Gator Girl.

The Gator Girl does not like it when I punch things. Hmmm...this sounds bad, as though I walk around punching things a lot. And I don't. Not really, anyway. Not that you can prove. Unless you're Joe's arms...I mean, I never punch things. Anyway, there's something about me reaching out with a fist that makes the Gator Girl attack. This is why I only do Tae Bo when she's safely tucked in her crate. But Joe either didn't know or didn't care what I was doing in the living room and he released the beast.

The Gator Girl beelined right toward me and took me down. I decided then that I was done with Billy Blanks for the day. I'm pretty sure Billy was glad to see me go.

I switched then to the Wii Fit program. The Gator Girl is much more accepting of the Wii Fit. Except the boxing program.

I haven't started up the Wii Fit lately. I've been too lazy busy to spend the time on it. I knew it had been awhile since my last session so I was prepared to take some shit from the pompous little bit of machinery. It didn't waste any time, admonishing me for my lax attitude toward my workouts because it had been thiry some odd days since our last visit together.

Then, just for fun, I logged in as Joe's mii. It had been 242 days since Joe's last appearance on the Wii Fit and do you know what that machine did then? Ragged on ME some more. The Wii told Joe that it had been thirty some odd days since I was last on the Wii Fit program and how not okay that was.

I am not feeling the love.

I started off with yoga where, after the machine groaned under my weight (asshole. I do NOT weigh that much.), I was given the female trainer because my regular trainer (the guy) was unavailable. Unavailable? Really, dude? You're CGI. You cease to exist when I turn off the program and continue to NOT exist until I turn the program back on. How can you be unavailable?

Definitely NOT feeling the love.

My trainer got his lazy CGI ass to the CGI gym in time for my strength training. He apologized for being late as he had stayed out too last the night before. It's not the first time I've been told this by the Wii Fit Trainer but it didn't piss me off any less the second time.

Dear Wii Fit Trainer,

YOU'RE NOT REAL. YOU DIDN'T STAY OUT TOO LATE LAST NIGHT; YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING LAST NIGHT. IN FACT, YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING IN THIRTY SOME ODD DAYS, YOU LAZY CGI BUM.

Sincerely,

Me
Is this payback for me not being more of a Wii Fit slave?

I think I'm going to go eat a batch of super fattening and uber delicious homemade macaroni and cheese. Then I'll chase that with a bag of chocolate chip cookies and a pint of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food. What do you think about that, Wii Fit?

That's what I thought.

5 comments:

  1. Nothing like a virtual fitness trainer to annoy you, huh?

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  2. Oh, I like this. A lot. Wii Fit totally sucks with their complaints about other people's laziness. Who thought up this kind of rudeness for motivation, the Tiger Mom?

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  3. At least you're exercising! That's more than I can say for myself.

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  4. I think the worst part is how I continue to show up and take the abuse.

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  5. I never do physical workouts. But I did extend a thank you on my post today.

    Lee
    Tossing It Out

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