Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Million Dollar Drop

So my day of laziness and procrastination didn't go quite as planned yesterday. I spent a lot of it shoveling out parts of the driveway. We (meaning me and the dogs) were out there so long that Big just sat in the driveway (the part I hadn't shoveled), looking at me in that completely miserable way that only German Shepherds can manage. When I tried to put him in the house, he decided he didn't want to go in if we all weren't going in so he spent some more time looking all forlorn.

After shoveling, I spent part of the day writing. Well, writing one sentence. Well, part of one sentence. I think between it and the song Down In A Hole by Alice in Chains, I might be able to solve the problem I've been having lately with that one particular character. That is my quest for today.

When I wasn't shoveling or cleaning up cat vomit (poor Vader seems to no longer retain the ability to keep much in her stomach (I hate to say this, I really hate to say this, but it's not looking promising for Vader.)), I was cleaning up the bathroom trash Fat Cat had knocked over (it's her new super fun past time. I hate it.) and digging Fat Cat out from the kitchen cupboards where she decided to take refuge in the furthest corners (and I have some really deep cupboards) probably just because she knew how damn annoyed it would make me.

But things settled down around 8pm and then by 9, all the animals were pretty much comatose (Vader quite literally) and so Joe and I ended up watching "Million Dollar Drop" with host Kevin Pollack (really, dude? You're that desperate?).

We hadn't intended to watch it and wouldn't have watched it this time either but there wasn't anything else on. So we watched.

Have you seen this show? I am going to write about it now and I'm probably not going to be kind. In fact I know I'm not going to be kind because the level of idiocy displayed was beyond horrifying. I could end up insulting a lot of people so please, consider yourselves warned.

The first couple was a military family. David and David's wife. I don't remember her name but I'm going to call her Annoying because that's what she was. I do remember that Annoying has two kids because she said she had kids at every given opportunity. She also mentioned that her husband was in the service at every opportunity. In case the uniform and and introduction of him as a whatever he is in the military (I honestly don't remember) hadn't quite gotten the point across. And really, seriously, David, thank you for your service. I feel like you should get a medal staying with Annoying all these years. I felt like I should get a medal for putting up with her for the ten minutes she was actually on the show. It felt like she was trying to get the audience to really, really like her. As though the audience could just give her the $1,000,000 for being such a wholesome truly patriotic American family.

Their first question involved the musical scale (do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do). They show you the answers first, did you know? I looked at the four choices and was able to guess the question. I wonder if they'd give me bonus money for that. But I'm betting Joe and I would not be selected as contestants on their game show. We'd have to go on Jeopardy! instead. David and Annoying got it right. But just barely. And Annoying, whom you had thought couldn't possibly get any more annoying, did just that.

Their second question involved coins. The question was "whose face is on the dime?" and the answers were John F. Kennedy, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Franklin D. Roosevelt. Annoying then launched into this seemingly never ending soliloquy about how she knew without a doubt that it was John F. Kennedy because Abraham Lincoln didn't have a coin and Thomas Jefferson was on the penny and who the hell was FDR? She knew these things for a fact because she was sweeping up after her daughter Little Annoying (I'm just guessing) had been playing with her piggy bank.

Here are my questions for Annoying:

1. Have you ever seen American money?

2. Does Little Annoying actually have any coins in that piggy bank?

Voice of Reason David then jumped in and said that John F. Kennedy was on the fifty cent piece and Abraham Lincoln was on the penny. He knew this for sure. So then they bickered for a while but eventually came to the conclusion that Thomas Jefferson was on the dime. They put all $1,000,000 on Thomas Jefferson. Meanwhile, Joe and I were having a conniption fit and I was screaming "how stupid are you!"

Turns out, very stupid. They went home with nothing.

The second couple was Lana and Clark. Actually, that's not true but I felt like making a Superman reference so that's what I'm going to call them. Lana and Clark fared much better than David and Annoying (of course, it would have been hard not to) and were far less annoying (although Lana was a little intense and shrill at some points). They did so well that Joe and I actually got to hear all seven questions (we were very curious how hard the questions would get). There were two questions to which we had to debate the answers (obviously the last two). Joe and I would've gone home with a lot more money than Lana and Clark.

Lana and Clark, by the way, went home with $300,000 which was the show's biggest payday yet. Good for them.

Their first question involved cocktails and determining which drink contained orange juice: Long Island Iced Tea (which my sister in law can tell you does NOT contain orange juice), Bloody Mary, Tequila Sunrise or Cosmopolitan. It was during this question that we had the revelation that tomato juice is not the same as orange juice. Good job, kids.

Next they spent a lot of time debating which of the following wasn't a marshmallow in Lucky Charms: heart, clover, horseshoe or rabbit's foot. It was another one of those times when I knew the question just based on the answers. I then recited the Lucky Charms commercial. Clark whined a bit about never having Lucky Charms as a kid. I didn't have Lucky Charms either, Clark, and I still got the right answer. Of course, that's brain space I could have used for algebra but whatever... Clark decided that the eating of a rabbit's foot would be too traumatic for kids so they eventually got the right answer and we moved on...

To a question about what isn't on a Big Mac. As soon as I saw the three possible answers: tomato, pickle slices and lettuce, I sadly started to sing the Big Mac song from years ago. You know the one where they list everything that's ON a Big Mac? Then they posted the question.

I would be so well prepared for this show. Too bad they would never put me on it. Mostly because I would be mean and sarcastic about everything.

After the Big Mac question, they were given the categories "Geography" and "Board Games" to chose from. They went with Geography which I thought was a rather bold choice. The question asked how many states touch the Pacific Ocean and Clark, in an impressive display of smarts, rattled off the correct number (5).

I think at this point, they had $500,000 and two question left and picked the YouTube category. The question was which of the following was the first to hit 1 billion views: Rihanna, Justin Bieber or Lady Gaga. I didn't know the answer to this one. I said I guessed Lady Gaga. Joe said he was going to pick Justin Bieber. I was honestly surprised to learn that Joe knew who Justin Bieber was. I'm betting he doesn't really know and went with Bieber because Lana was convinced he was the right answer. But Clark thought it was Lady Gaga and so they split their money between the two of them, Lady Gaga getting a slight edge because they had one extra bundle. Lady Gaga ended up being correct and I very politely gloated about my victory.

Then came the final question: who receives more speeding tickets? Men or Women? Joe and I debated this one a little. Our first impulse was "men" but then we thought that might be a trick so maybe we should go with women. Lana and Clark were having a similar, if less coherent, discussion. They ultimately reached the same conclusion and I would like to also offer them some bonus points for their correct usage of the word "machismo" (I'm also guessing that much of America had to then google 'machismo'). The answer was men (who, Kevin Pollack tells us, also receive more tickets for reckless driving and seat belt violations) and Lana and Clark went home with $300,000.

Then the show was over and Joe and I had a good time imagining Ken Jennings on Million Dollar Drop.


  1. See, I'd actually tune in to that show if you were on just for all the sarcasm-y goodness you would provide.

    My favorite game show win is the first winner on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. The guy used his phone a friend lifeline to call his dad so he could tell him he didn't need his help, but was about to win the million dollars.

    That was just classic.

  2. I agree with you on that. I absolutely loved it when that guy did that and have longed wanted to be on a game show just so I could attempt to do something equally as cool.

    But I think I'll just stay home and mock everyone else. Gotta stick with what I'm good at.