Saturday, November 6, 2010

In Which Melissa and Ruthie Battle a Spider

The scene:

The Store, before it opens for another day of early holiday shopping.

The Characters:

Melissa (the sarcastic and pain in the ass stock monkey)

Ruthie (the angry but definitely less sarcastic stock associate)

AssMan2 (the second assistant manager, otherwise known as the one the associates can stand to be around)

The Spider (a big giant creepy tan devil creature of which both Melissa and Ruthie have a paralyzing and embarrassing mild and completely rational fear)

And So Our Story Begins

Ruthie: Can we put any more of these ugly ass really well designed tan shirts out on the sales floor?

Melissa: Yes, I believe we can.

Ruthie takes a stack of the ugly ass really well designed shirts out to the sales floor and look at the table upon which they are supposed to go. After Melissa rearranges things a little (something, by the way management loves), Ruthie places the stack with the others. Melissa fluffs up the stack a little so that management won't notice there's an extra set of ugly ass really well designed shirts here that wasn't there earlier.

Ruthie: This place gets more and more ridiculous with each passing day. Just when you think it can't get any stupider around here it goes and does just that. Did I tell you...

Ruthie continues on with her anti Store rant. Melissa lets her. It's nothing Melissa hasn't heard before or said herself before but still, Melissa feels it's better to let Ruthie get it all out. But the rant isn't the important part of the story. This next part is.

Melissa: AHHHH!

Enter The Spider crawling on top of the newly placed stack of ugly ass really well designed shirts. Melissa jumps away from the ugly ass really well designed shirt table. Ruthie stops her rant.

Ruthie: What are you-

Ruthie sees The Spider and screams. She then runs away from the table and hides behind Melissa.

Melissa: What the hell are you hiding behind me for?

Ruthie: (still shrieking) Where did that come from? It was on the shirts, wasn't it? The shirts I brought out here!

Melissa: I think so.

Melissa and Ruthie watched The Spider. The Spider watches Melissa and Ruthie. They swear to god that The Spider was watching them. Spiders do that, you know? They have all those creepy little eyes for a reason, you know. So they can stalk you and kill you in your sleep.

Ruthie: What are we going to do?

Melissa: I was thinking about running away and hiding until our shifts are over.

Ruthie: I could get behind that plan. Let's go.

But neither of them moves out of fear that The Spider will attack.
Melissa: Okay, we just can't leave it there...Can we?

Ruthie: I think we can.

Melissa: Isn't this a job for AssMan2?

Ruthie: I'll go get her.

But again, Ruthie doesn't move. She stays hidden behind Melissa. Melissa looks at the spider and is suddenly determined to not let that thing get the best of her. All right, so maybe it was more the unwillingness to open herself up to the shame of needing to be rescued by the AssMan2 driving her actions at this point, but still, she chose to take action.

Melissa moves cautiously around the back of the ugly ass really well designed shirt tableto retireve one of the Store's many folding boards (boards which exist to help associates achieve the perfect fold. For the record, Melissa would like it noted that she never uses these boards for their intended purpose.)

Ruthie: What are you doing?

Melissa: I'm going to knock it on the floor and squish it.

Ruthie: What do I do?

Melissa: You go over there (points) and distract it so it doesn't see me coming.

Ruthie: I'm not doing that!

Melissa creeps back around to the side of the table. She swears that The Spider is following her every step. Creepy little bastard. She stretches out her arm and tries to brush The Spider off the pile of ugly ass really well designed shirts. The Spider disappears from the top of the stack but does not appear to be on the floor. Melissa jumps back. Ruthie screams again.

Ruthie: Where'd it go? Where'd it go? Oh my god, where'd it go?

The Spider has now taken up residence on the front of the stack of ugly ass really well designed shirts. Melissa checks the entrance to the stock room, certain that AssMan2 will appear at any time as both she and Ruthie have been doing a rather alarming amount of screaming, but the doorway is empty. Melissa steels herself for a second try. And fails again. Ruthie screams some more.

Ruthie: I'm getting AssMan2! You watch The Spider.

Ruthie exits, leaving Melissa alone with The Spider who is probably really pissed off with her by now. After a moment of intense stand off, Ruthie returns with AssMan2 in tow.

Ruthie: You should see this thing. It's huge! And it's creepy and we want you to kill it! Right away!

AssMan2 crouches down in front of the table in order to get a better look at The Spider. This causes Ruthie to shriek some more and run in the opposite direction. Melissa doesn't move but does use her folding board as a defensive shield.

AssMan2: Wow. Would you look at him?

Melissa: Yeah, we've kind of looked already. Could we get to the squishing him part already?

AssMan2: Oh, we don't want to squish him.

Ruthie: (from behind a fixture of winter coats) Yes we do! We really, really do.

AssMan2 knocks The Spider to the floor and then walks away. Ruthie shrieks and Melissa stares at The Spider who has decided that it's time to make a break for it.

Ruthie: What are you doing?!?!?

AssMan2: I'm getting a-

But before AssMan2 can explain what she is getting, Ruthie comes flying out from behind her protective rack of coats and stomps on The Spider before it can get any further away.

Ruthie: Where is it? Where is it?

Melissa: I'd check the bottom of your shoe if I were you.

Ruthie does and scrapes the spider guts off her shoe and onto the concrete floor. AssMan2 then cleans up the spider guts with a paper towel while telling Melissa and Ruthie about the big spiders she once encountered on a hike in Hawaii. Melissa crosses off 'hiking in Hawaii' from her list of Things To Do Someday.

AssMan2: Well, all right then, ladies. Are we ready to open?

Melissa: More like go home.

Ruthie: Yeah, I'm worn out.

And thus the day was saved and made safe for all the early holiday shoppers. Ruthie and Melissa returned to the stockroom where they were afraid to touch anything and shrieked any time anything caught the corner of their eye.

AssMan2: This day's going to be insufferable.

End Scene

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