Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Postcards From Vegas

Dear Video Roulette,

I thought what we had was special. I thought what we had was real. We had four glorious days together last June and now...nothing? Nothing but heartache and misery as you seduce me with your shiny lights and the promise of payouts but then leave me with nothing but empty pockets. How is it I'm getting more love from the penny slots than I am from you? Needless to say, it's over between us. Don't call, don't write. I'll be over at the penny slots station.

Dear Penny Slots,

You tease. You stupid tease. You lure me in with your clever pop culture tie ins (Star Wars and The Price Is Right), not to mention a $30 return on my one dollar bet and then you kick me around the rest of my visit? What kind of heartless addiction causing machine are you? Do you and the Video Roulette machine get together and plot new ways to torture me or what? I hate you! I hate you!

Dear Strawberry/Pink Lemonade Frozen Daiquiri,

Having a wonderful time...So glad you were here!

Dear Treasure Island Resort,

We need to talk about your asinine 'resort fee' which charged me $22 a day to stay in your hotel on top of the nightly room rate. The resort fee was supposed to cover internet charges for your insanely pathetic internet access (C'mon, dial up is faster) which is why I was so surprised when we had a $16 internet access charge listed on our bill directly below the resort fee. Twice. Why don't you do yourselves a favor and just charge $22 more for a room per night and say the internet (and all the other lame ass not worth it stuff supposedly included in the resort fee) is free? If it's free internet, people won't get all pissy when it sucks shit through an i.v. needle. Also, I'm not about to give the engineering guys a tip for coming up to my room to repeatedly fix the stupid television that was supposed to be working in the first place...or is a working television extra? And one other thing, stop forcing your employees to utter the phrase "the hotel just does that sometimes" when addressing a guest's questions about billing processes. Although I suppose I should just be grateful that someone actually attempted to address the question. Do you want to know how long we spent on hold waiting for someone at the front desk to pick up the damn phone, listening over and over to the recording boasting about your hotel's attention to guest services? I didn't think so.

Dear Grand Canyon,

Try not to take it personally when some stupid woman walks around your breathtaking rim trail complaining that she could think of better things to do with $25 than pay the entrance fee to the park. Some people just don't get it. All right, so maybe it was so windy we ended up eating about a pound of sand and grit. But rest assured that no one in my group thought that our visit was anything resembling a waste of time. All right, so Joe might not have understood my excessive need to capture absolutely everything on film. Not that my pictures did you any justice because my word, you're impressive. 'Grand' doesn't really cover it, you know? One complaint though...your park rangers leaves a lot to be desired. The rangers at Acadia National Park are so nice and can't wait for you to ask a question so that they may shower you with love, affection and information. Getting information from your park rangers was akin to pulling teeth from a tiger who has not undergone anesthesia. Sorry to bother you with my questions, Mister Ranger, sir. I hope it won't be too much of a bother to track down my bleached bones when I get lost in that massive abyss you call a tourist attraction.

Dear Dangerously Intoxicated Newly Minted Legal Drinker,

I know you're twenty one. I know you're in Vegas but getting so drunk before noon that you vomited all over the pool area and had to be lifted into a wheelchair and wheeled out is just not cool or sexy or anything along those lines. Enjoy your alcohol poisoning and probable YouTube notoriety. Hope it was worth it.

Dear Fremont Street Experience,

You don't mention that the Fremont Street Experience is kind of scary. Not to mention seizure inducing. Still, seeing your Aerosmith Tribute band fumble their way though Dude Looks Like A Lady was damn fun and the lead singer really did look like Steven Tyler...at least until you got anywhere near the stage, that is.

A close up of a flower at the Bellagio Botanical Gardens

Dear Vegas,

Thanks for not disappointing. Well, you know, with the exception of your roulette and penny slot machines which I am convinced are somehow cheating. And that one cockroach that ran across my foot (Not. Enough. Soap. In. The. World.) The Bellagio gardens and fountains were lovely as always although I suspect it might be time to change the music for your fountains. I saw the same show before, you know? And I know you don't do the fountain shows when it's very windy out because Las Vegas Boulevard apparently ends up flooded, but some of us would like to see that, so maybe consider it next time. The Cirque du Soleil experience was truly jaw dropping...how do those people do those things? Wayne Brady, you're awesome. Thank you so much for using Heather's song title in your act. We couldn't have asked for anything more. Really, your show was so funny, I couldn't breath for large portions of the evening and had tears just streaming down my face the rest of the time. A couple of teeny tiny criticisms:

The Bellagio Fountain Show

Don't put a television airing the Red Sox game near a flight of stairs. Out of touch Red Sox fans may get distracted by the prospect of seeing one's team again and fall down the stairs because her attention was on the television and not the marble stairs. Also, what's up with the total lack of food available after 1am? You're Las Vegas for crying out loud. People are up all freaking night long so where are the late night buffets (unless they're located on Fremont Street...then you can keep them.)? The Mississippi Queen Steamboat even had midnight buffets and most of their guests were old people who were in bed by 8pm. Just saying that when one's only option for food is the 24 hour McDonald's, it's pretty pathetic. And one last thing, what's up with the people handing out the stripper business cards not wanting to give any to me? I suspect they didn't believe I was truly interested in having a hot girl sent to my hotel room but isn't that discrimination? It's a free country. If I want a stack of stripper business cards, I should be allowed to have one. Anyway, all minor things, really. We had a great time, hangovers sunburns aside. Joe set a goal to double his gambling money and then lose it all and well, he did just that. So until next time, Las Vegas, stay cool...

Magnets found in a Las Vegas souvenir shop...strangest yet funniest Vegas souvenirs ever.
The Happy Couple at the Grand Canyon

If you're interested in seeing other vacation pictures, they're posted on my Facebook profile. I took around 400 pictures but don't worry...I only posted about 54 of them.

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