Monday, February 8, 2010

Just Another Manic Malinois Monday

Happy Monday Morning, everyone, on a day when the Colts have lost the Superbowl. I admit to cheering for the Saints but only because that's how much I hate the Colts. And no, I don't think 'hate' is too strong a word here. I go on record as saying that if the Pats can't be Superbowl winners, the next best thing is that the Colts are Superbowl losers. The third and fourth best things would be the Jets and Steelers also being Superbowl losers. My brother told me there was a poll about who do you think will win the big game and every single state, with the exception of New England and Louisiana, chose the Colts.

Suckers.

Although I feel I should say that my father-in-law is a Colts fan and if they had won, I would have been begrudgingly happy for him (not the team...him).

Joe also thought the Colts would win. When I heard this, I immediately ordered my dogs to attack him but as they both kind of flunked out of protection training, it didn't really work the way I'd hoped it might. Joe was then careful to specify that he was not rooting for the Colts but just thought they would be the ones to win the game.

Sucker.

At any rate, it was a good game. It's hard to watch the Superbowl when you're actually interested in football because there's no good time to go to the bathroom because you don't want to miss the game nor do you want to miss the commercials. Thank goodness for our DVR which made life a little bit easier.

My favorite commercials were the Robin Hood trailer even though I kind of hate Russell Crowe. Man's a jackass but damn, he can act. Plus, I'm a total sucker for a Robin Hood movie.



So it's basically Gladiator with a bow...but it's gonna be awesome.

I also liked the Doritos commercial where the dog put the shock collar on the guy.



I also liked the following Bud Light commercials (even if I'm not a Lost fan):



and this one:




I don't really remember any other commercials apart from the Betty White one (I love the fact that her career's still going stong!). I'm always left feeling like the commercials get less interesting every year. Does anyone else remember when the commercials were...you know, good? I remember the year the Budweiser frogs were introduced and Oh, the fun we had in the school hallways that Monday.

This Monday, I was not reciting any Superbowl ads. No, this Monday was spent reading my dear, sweet schizophrenic Gator Girl the riot act.

It was supposed to be different. Today I was going to write a ton of words. I had scenes in my head and I was going to get them all out and down on paper (or in a word processor, as the case may be). The Gator Girl had other plans.

The Gator Girl must have thought that today was Opposite Day because everything she's not supposed to do, she did. She threw up in the most inconvenient corner of the bedroom. She got into the trash and the cookie cupboard. She got into the hall closet where the hats and mittens live so she could shred some of those. While I was cleaning up that mess, she got in the trash again. While I was cleaning up that mess, she shredded a box of tissues from the bathroom. While I was cleaning up that mess, she was throwing up again. This time in the most inconvenient corner of the living room. So then I cleaned up that mess. That's when she got into the trash. Again.

That's when I put the Gator Girl in Time Out.

Then, because I am stupid, I put both dogs in the car to take along on my errands. We stopped off at The Store because last Friday had been payday and I had yet to pick up my check. The dogs really are good in public. Makes me think I just need to keep the Gator Girl in public all the freaking time. We went to the Book Warehouse and bought some books (Just don't tell Joe. He's under the impression that I have more than enough books already.) and then headed to Old Navy to browse the clearance racks (Note to Old Navy: $23 jeans are not clearance. $7 off your regular price is not clearance.) before returning to the car.

I put Big in the car first and then put the Gator Girl in the car. It took me maybe fifteen seconds to get in the driver's seat but it was long enough for the Gator Girl, overstimulated and psychotic, to lunge into the backseat at Big.

She tends to go for eyes and ears. My guess is because those areas elicit the biggest screams from her victims. Needless to say, I was Not Pleased. I pulled her off Big and strapped her into the front seat. I gave Big a quick once over and he seemed to be in tact so we went on our way.

Turns out he wasn't so in tact.

We went to the post office next. It's about a mile away. By the time we got there, the backseat of my car looked like a crime scene. A crime scene of a very bloody homicide. A homicide committed by a chain saw.

Dog ears bleed like a son of a bitch.

I knew this because one day, many moons ago, Big was playing with my sister's dog, Piper. They got a little heated and Big ended up (accidentally, of course) ripping poor Piper's ear. Then Piper shook her head. A lot. With the blood spatter on those walls, we're lucky no law enforcement officials came by because seriously, they would have thought some insane mass murder had taken place in her living room.

Now the mass murder was in the backseat of my car.

I said several not nice words to the Gator Girl as I sat in the backseat with Big, applying pressure to his ear. He really was unhappy by all this and was whining and probably thinking about how much he wanted his Mimi. And honestly, if I lived closer to my mother, I would have brought him down to her so she could pet him and tell him how good and handsome he is and how sorry she is that he has to live with that spaz of a sister. If she had done that, he might have held still long enough for me to apply enough pressure to his ear to get it to stop bleeding.

It did, eventually. I was just parked at the post office for a long time while I waited.

When we got home, I brought the dogs inside and started the blood removal process on the backseat. It took a while (an hour in some damn cold temperatures) but I think I got it all. There was even blood spatter on the outside of the car because Big likes to ride with his head out the window so there were big bloody streaks on the back windows. I think I got all of that too but the next warm day when the temperatures are remotely close to freezing, I'm going to be paying a visit to the local car wash.

I have since informed the Gator Girl that should she think to tag her brother like that again, she'll be riding in the back of the car in a cat carrier. A very small cat carrier.

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