Friday, November 20, 2009

Vampires Suck.

So, in honor of the release of the second Twilight movie, New Moon, I was going to write this big essay type thing about the lameness that is Edward Cullen and his lot of so-called sparkly "vegetarian" vampires. I was going to write about real vampires and the differences between them. I was going to talk about Nosferatu and how freaking creepy (creepy in a good way...Dude's playing a vampire, for crying out loud. One should not want to cuddle with a vampire. Should not, anyway) Max Schreck played him. I was going to talk about Gary Oldman's performance as Dracula because I know it has to be good because Heather thinks it's the most romantic movie she knows, but I have yet to watch Gary Oldman's performance as Dracula. I was then going to talk about the Whedonverse (of course I was) and my favorite vampires of all time: Angel/Angelus, Spike, Drusilla and Darla, to be followed by a discussion about today's vampire and, if it wasn't for Damon Salvatore, I would think we had to stake the entire genre and start over because things have gotten wildly out of hand.

But, what happened is that I started writing this novel back on the first of November and I have to finish it (or at least hit the 50,000 word mark) by midnight on November 30th and it's been a little time consuming. I don't know how people who work full time jobs or have kids do this but they do and they're doing it better than I am. Kudos to them. I've hit the 30,000 word mark and even exceeded it, so I guess I'm in the home stretch. You know, if you can think if 19 thousand some odd words as the "home stretch". But it's more than half way, so I guess I can.

So instead of a big essay type thing about Vampires, I am going to write a little mini blur here. I am going to start with the disclaimer that the fourth Twilight book ruined the rest of the series for me. I was a casual Twilight fan until I read that fourth book. So I wasn't wild about the lame ass plot lines or the juvenile dialogue. I wasn't the least bit enamored by Bella's overwhelming and self destructive obsession with Edward. I would have preferred her to have some steel ovaries or something but whatever. It was harmless enough. Until the fourth book. It was probably the most horrifying thing I've ever read and I spent a lot of time going, "Oh my GOD. My thirteen year old niece is reading this...she isn't old enough to read this. I'm in my thirties and I'm not old enough to read this!" It's creepy and gross and did I mention horrifying?

But anyway, I was irritated by Edward as a vampire. He is so lame ass. There's a hysterical video about Edward Cullen meeting Buffy the Vampire Slayer that I posted here last month that really sums it up nicely. Ah, if only Buffy could make a cameo appearance in the next Twilight film. That would be awesome.

He's sparkly. He sparkles like diamonds in the sun. Unless it's the first movie and then he just looks like he's sweating profusely. He doesn't drink people blood (which is cool because neither does Angel or Spike...mostly...). He plays the piano and stalks high school girls. He, like his hair, is lame. He is not scary. He is never scary. Creepy but not in a good way. But not scary.

Vampires should be scary. They should not be creatures you want to run into in a dark alley. Nosferatu was a scary ass vamp. Angelus was a scary ass vamp and David Boreanaz played that character so well. Spike and Drusilla and Darla...all scary ass vamps. They'd even snap your neck if they didn't think you were worth the time to drain of blood (Sorry, Jenny Calendar). These are vamps who do not sit around composing lullabies for high school girls.

All right, so maybe Spike wrote poetry but it was freaking awesome poetry. Not many people would even attempt to rhyme the word "effulgent" with anything. Here's a clip of Spike mocking Angel (tried to find a clip of Spike reading his awesome poetry but no luck):

And how could I ever forget the episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer which brought us a bizarro world where Willow and Xander were both vampires. Evil Vampire Willow was especially scary...but awesomely so.

The Twilight vamps, not so much.

So there it is. My mini (or knee length) rant on vampires. And, one more time, because I love it, Buffy Versus Edward:

If only.

And now back to that last 19,000 some odd words...

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