Monday, April 20, 2009

Shmoe Versus the Schnauzer



Author's Note: The following timeline is actually from
Sunday. I've just gotten around to posting it now. Enjoy!

5:00am: Mischa's up. Taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap.

6:30am: Mischa gives up pacing and plants herself at my bedside and stares. I suspect she's using her Jedi mind tricks to try and get me out of bed.

6:40am: I look at the clock, see that it's 6:40 in the morning and say, "You can't be serious. Go back to bed."

6:41am: Apparently, "Go back to bed" is now code for "Time to get up" because everyone's awake now. Sebastian's pacing, Max's screaming and Mischa celebrates the newly made chaos by jumping on the bed. Max screams more. Such fun!

6:42am: Joe shouts "Knock it off!" Sebastian goes back to his bed. I make Mischa lie down. Max stops screaming loudly. He instead opts for a constant low pitch yowl punctuated every thirty seconds by a high pitched very sharp cry. Such fun!

6:45am: Mischa, lying on the floor at my side, looks up at me and essentially rolls her eyes. There are times when she is not impressed with his cousin. This is one of those times.

6:50am: Time to get up. For real this time. Mischa celebrates by jumping on the bed and landing on my ribs. Max squeals but then, so do I. I say a plethora of not nice words.

6:51am: I am still nursing my ribs so Joe takes the Dynamic Duo out, leaving The Little Pisser (Joe's new nickname for Max...guess someone's still a little miffed about yesterday's one pup pee parade.) in his crate.

7:05am: Joe returns with Mischa. I get out of bed, still holding my ribs. I let Max out of his crate and we go downstairs. Joe's outside with Sebastian.

7:06am: I'm trying to put Max's collar on him when Joe and Sebastian return. Sebastian decides to help by standing over Max. This helps immensely. Joe, to my surprise, takes Max outside. I remind him, just in case, that he has to bring Max back.

7:10am: Joe and Max return. Joe made The Little Pisser stay outside until he'd peed at least twice. Max, not Joe.

7:15am: Max inhales his breakfast. Sebastian hovers so he can drink out of Max's water dish.

7:21am: Max is back in his crate and Sebastian wants another refill in Max's dish. We point out the other two much larger water dishes but he only has eyes for Max's dish.

7:24am: Joe asks if there's anything else I want to clean with the Bissell Little Green Cleaning Machine since it's still on the counter and still has cleaning solution in it. I tell him to wait...the day's still young. God, is it young.

7:57am: Joe and I play ball with Sebastian. Playing fetch with him is kind of like watching a normal dog playing fetch in slow motion (or watching Mischa in slow motion). Max doesn't seem to appreciate any tomfoolery going on without his supervision and starts sobbing. Screaming, actually.

8:00am: Still screaming. Lily (the dog hating cat) joins in. Such fun!

8:02am: Mischa joins in on the dog/cat chorus but I suspect she's telling the other two to shut the hell up because they do.

8:30am: I rescue Max and Mischa from their crates. Mischa steals Sebastian's ball and Max hides under the coffee table. Joe puts up the babygates so Max can't get on the stairs or go down the hallway. It's not that we don't trust you, Max, it's just...Oh wait. Yeah. It is that we don't trust you.

8:35am: Joe notices me writing notes in my notebook. He suspects what I'm doing and looks over to see notes for this blog. "You don't put my name in your blog, do you?" he asks. I tell him I call him "Shmoe" and no one ever knows who I mean. Joe looks like he wants to say some not nice words but refrains. Mostly.

9:00am: Joe leaves to take a shower. Max curls up next to me on the couch.

10:00am: I leave to take a shower. As I'm closing the bathroom door, I hear Joe exclaim, "Are you peeing on that?" I decide not to go look.

11:20am: Max is lying under the coffee table, chewing on the bone he stole from Mischa when she was distracted by a dog on the television. Joe exlaims, "Would you stop doing that?!?!" as Max is chewing on the bone on Joe's feet.

11:23am: "Seriously, do you have to do that?!?!?"

11:24am: "Would you stop chewing that bone on my feet?"

11:25am: I think about interceding but it's just too much fun to stop.

11:26am: Joe reaches his breaking point. He takes the bone and throws it out in the middle of the living room and tells Max to go chew on it there. Max looks forlornly at the bone but does not make a move to get it. I explain to Joe that Max would prefer to have the table as cover from the Gator Girl.

11:27am: I move the coffee table over so it's no longer near Joe and put Max's bone underneath it. Max decides he'd rather sit with Joe on the couch. No social cues, that one.

12:00pm: Kong Time! Mischa's in the living room, Max under the dining room table and Sebastian in the kitchen. Max finishes first and thinks long and hard about going for Sebastian's kong. I was wrong about the social cues. The Schnauzer just has a death wish. Big is relaxed about a lot of things but his kong is not one of them.

12:30pm: I take Sebastian outside who follows Max's morning trail around the house and pees everywhere Max peed. Such fun! Since I also made Sebastian wear his doggles, I let him mark pretty much whatever he wants. Pretty much. Marking my house and deck are still off limits. Do you hear that, Max?

12:45pm: I take Max outside. Max follows Sebastian's trail and pees everywhere Sebastian peed. Such fun! We then go for a walk around the neighborhood where Max protects me from a Blue Jay (the bird...not a baseball player.) and a shifty looking branch sitting in the middle of the road.

12:55pm: The neighbor's dogs, Zowie and Barney, pop out of the woods. Zowie and Barney have a nasty habit of being in our yard. Sebastian does not like them. They are afraid of Sebastian and do not approach him. However, they are less afraid of Max. Sorry, Max, but it's true. C'mon...even Lily isn't afraid of you and that's really saying something.

12:56pm: I turn Max the other direction because of how desperately he's pulling to get to Zowie and Barney. When Zowie and Barney turn for home, so do we.

1:00pm: We pass one of the neighbors who looks at Max and makes a face like, "I thought her dogs were bigger." I think about explaining how I accidently threw Sebastian in the dryer on high heat. But I don't.

1:15pm: We make it back to the house.1:30pm: Joe and I take Mischa and Sebastian outside to play. Max waits in his crate. Max cries. A lot.

1:45pm: Heather comes by for a preplanned shopping trip so I leave all three dogs with Joe. I ask Joe to please let Max out of his crate.

4:00pm: Heather and I are back. We walk in and are mobbed by only two dogs. No Max. I can hear him crying. I ask Joe if Max is still in his crate. He isn't. He's hiding under the dining room table.

4:10pm: Max comes out from under the table. He gets on the couch next to me. Sebastian decides he too wants to sit on the couch. He manages to do so without crushing Max. It's so freaking adorable that I took pictures. I think one of them is at the start of this post.

5:00pm: Dinner time. It's early tonight because Joe, Heather and I are going out for a night on the town. The town that pretty much closes by 6pm.

8:50pm: We're home! Sebastian is thrilled to see us again. Max immediately starts howling in his crate.

9:00pm: Everyone's been outside (again) and we hang out in the living room and play ball. Well, Mischa plays ball. The boys just kind of watch her play ball.

9:30pm: Mischa is panting heavily and lying on the floor. Max takes advantage of this and tries to be the dominate dog. He is unsuccessful. Max retreats to the couch to sit with me.

10:00pm: Max is sleeping on the couch when Sebastian (again) decides to climb on up there with him. I ask him not to crush Max and, for the most part, he does. Just Max's legs a little. Max, however, does not complain. Since his vocal cords are free and clear, I let it go.

10:30pm: Although I'm tired and want to go to bed, I feel bad about sending the dogs back to their crates when they've only just gotten out of their crates. I tell Joe. He laughs and looks at the three absolutely passed out dogs in the living room. "I think they're ready for bed," Joe says.

11:00pm: Bed time. Thank goodness because my ribs are killing me.

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